Isolated, alienated, unaccepted that's me. This pain more than I can bear. The repetition of which there is no escape, rejection and abuse of which there is no end. Try as I might I find no way out. Failure upon failure, heartache upon heartache. Too tired to try again. Too scared to fail again.
That pit, that horrible pit into which I had fallen refused to loosen its grip. Battle and claw with all my might. Fighting to climb out I can see the life others have, the so-called normal life I wanted so desperately.
I muster all my strength and determination to try just one more time, one last time. Surely I can make it; I have a good chance. After all, I have learnt a lot through my previous attempts. Maybe this time, oh please God let it be this time.
I really want to make it and I think I can, I'm almost at the top just a little further and I can get a better look — see the life others take for granted, the freedom they don't even realise they have, The thought that I may even participate in that kind of life drives me on further.
My fingers reaching the top, pulling myself up I get a glimpse and, oh, it looks so good, feels so good. I'm almost there, just a little further, Then I feel it — the darkness wrapping itself around me, grabbing me deep within. Pulling me back down, with such force.
This cannot be! I'm nearly there! I try to hold on desperately, my body aching, my mind screaming, "Someone help me, can someone please help me". But no one can see me, nor can they hear me, they just keep walking by.
I reach out and grab one of them pleading for their help. They look at me in horror shaking themselves from my panicked grip, rushing away as fast as they can. Someone stops and looks at me with soft love in their eyes, they want to help. They reach out and touch my face telling me I just need to try a bit harder, they must go now, but in a week or so they will be back, and I will see, it will be much better then.
No don't leave me, not here like this! Come back! Please come back. Oh my God I'm letting go. I'm falling....falling fast. No! This cannot be.
I'm sitting in the bottom of the pit once more looking up I can see the opening so far away. Remembering that which I caught a glimpse of and couldn't have. Surrounded by the filth so familiar. The death and abuse, the constant torture. "No more", I say to myself, "No more, not again. I will just stay down here and die".
Then I hear the sound of my lover calling, calling my name, calling me back to that warm embrace, I don't want to answer, I can't go back. I know our affairs always end with more pain. I think I will just lay here and rest for a while.
I fall asleep and start dreaming of you. You are stealing my dreams, becoming my only dream. I wake and my body burns for you, I can feel you so close now. The desire is almost more than I can bear. I will not return, the price is too high. You want all that I am all that I have, then you still want more.
You are moving closer now with your seductive ways, so close I can smell you, almost taste you. Wooing me ever so gently into your fatal embrace. Just this one time and then no more, to feel that bliss for a moment is all.
So out I go and look for you. I find you...I always know where you will be... and take you home with me. I smile to myself finding comfort in having you so close, we are nearly home...not long now.
Most of the preparation for our reunion has already been done. Everything is laid out ever so neatly. My heart is beating madly with anticipation as I tip you gently into my spoon. Just a few minutes and we will be one once again.
Adding water I start to sweat, I draw you back into my syringe feeling as though my heart will explode. Flicking the tip a wave of nausea passes over me. And now for the vein...every inch of my body is trembling...we are almost there.
Pulling back the plunger I see my blood mingle with you, my love, the most constant and reliable one I have ever known. Slowly depressing the plunger, you enter my life, my blood, becoming a part of me, then consuming me.
The bliss! The euphoria! There is nothing in my life that compares to you. Please, this time take me far away, never to return. This time hold me and never let me go. To die now, here with you is my greatest desire.
I wake from my drugged slumber feeling so bad, my stomach gnawing, sweaty, miserable. I can hear you laughing at me. You liar, you thief! I fell for you once again, your endless cycle of pain and temporary relief.
What is this? Someone is coming down into my pit! Why are they descending into this disgraceful filth? Wow! She really looks like she doesn't belong. "Hello", she says with a bright smile, "I have a friend I'd love you to meet. You don't have to change; you’re fine as you are. He's already here, look. He's come to save people like you and like me. His name is Jesus".
I laugh to myself, a cold, bitter laugh, I can be saved this is just too much. After all that I've tried and the places I've been, surely there isn't any salvation for me. But deep inside there is a flicker of hope. "Okay", I say "I'll give you my life, I sure can't find a way on my own to make it right".
"Just take my hand", He says, "It's that easy, you'll see. Now hold on tight!"
So I grab hold of his hand and hold on with all my might and out of that pit he lifts me with great ease, as we rise up above that pit I can see the snare that he has destroyed. A warm, gentle wind blows, one full of mercy, grace and most of all true love. I now see the way out of my hellish plight. God has opened my eyes and illuminated the path to life.
Now it's been fourteen years and I won't lie...sometimes it has been hard. Life is such a journey, too long to make it on my own that is why I need my friend. He is always there even when I turn my back. Together we have made high mountain climbs and walked through long dark valleys. It has been truly wonderful, I have discovered me, the me I was born to be.