My story begins early in my childhood, perhaps even at birth but there are turning points, pivotal moments that change everything. My pivotal moment was when I was 14. Things had never been good at home, a combination of many bad factors.
I had been circling with a bad crowd for sometime, so when I ran away from home it just got worse. It started with smoking pot, what’s so bad about that right? Most kids do it; well that’s what you tell yourself. But smoking pot soon leads to other things like acid and speed and before I knew it, it was my 15th birthday and I was having my first injection of heroin. It was something I always swore I would never do but you become immune to your morals. Time went by and the more heroin I had, the more I could forget all the morals I had, all decency gone. Crime, theft, violence, anything for one more hit and with these comes court, jail and humility. You wake up one day and find yourself with a boyfriend who you can’t stand, but you stay because you know it means free heroin. I found myself sitting in dirty alleyways shooting up, I felt disgusting. Sometimes it’s like you’re watching yourself, like you’re there but you aren’t, if you know what I mean.
At 16 my best friend died of an overdose and as much as you hate the smack for killing her, it’s the only thing that will numb the pain. And how could I face her mother at her funeral and pretend I didn’t touch the stuff that killed her baby, when I did. I looked at my arms and saw tracks, I looked at my boyfriend and saw a heroin dealer and I realized I was a junkie. I had been for sometime, but you never quite realize when you cross the line from being a drug user to a junkie. I cried and cried, and no matter how many junkie mates I had I knew I was alone. I knew I had to get out then or I would die, but I also knew I had to cut all ties, all my “friends”, my boyfriend, everyone associated with heroin. It was the only way.
I was on the waiting list to see a rehab councilor but the wait was too long, I needed to see someone that day, now. So once again I stuck that needle in my arm. I felt weak and hopeless, I needed someone to pick me up and make it better but I knew that wouldn’t happen. Shortly after my best friend came to me and told me she wanted me to quit with her. It was just what I needed the support of a close friend, someone to go through it with me. And we did it, together. I was always tempted to use again, especially in times of crisis, it’s comforting, soothing. I fell pregnant soon after and I knew I couldn’t be tempted, I had to be strong for my baby, and I was. I had that baby on my own and he kept me strong, he was my inspiration to go on and I knew that staying clean wasn’t enough. Everywhere I went junkies came up to me with my baby, I felt like I could never escape. My past was everywhere always looking for me. And no matter how clean I was, I would always be a junkie.
I had another baby, and 2 years ago I took my babies to Darwin to start a new life. I worked hard, bought a house and started fresh. I am no longer a junkie but just another mum in the school yard and I wouldn’t have it any other way.